Adventures in Netflix – The Immortals

This Adventures in Netflix was our first request. Thanks Scott! Yes this was a terrible movie, so it totally fits.

I will start off my saying I still haven not seen 300 and after watching this movie, I have less interest in doing so.

Both of these trailers portray the movie in different ways. Neither is accurate.

 

The first trailer is probably the most accurate as far as storyline goes. The second, maybe more as far as footage.

 Let me get one thing straight as a full disclosure before I start. I love myths, from all over the world. I understand some stretching of myths for movies, especially because they can’t be accurate or they are changing the story in a significant way (i.e. setting it in the future). So when a movie try to proport itself as ‘mythical’ I have a problem. This is one of those movies. This movie isn’t even based off real myths. This movie takes ideas of myths and does whatever it wants with them to make a terrible bloody mess.

The movie starts with saying that there was a fight between the Greek Gods and Titans. The Titans lost and were imprisoned under Mount Tartarus. So far so good.

Many years later, King Hyperion, who doesn’t believe in the Gods, is searching for the Epirus Bow. This is the only weapon that can kill the gods and has unimaginable power. King Hyperion (played by Mickey Rourke) lays waste to the countryside trying to find something that he shouldn’t even believe exists. To help him find the bow, King Hyperion tries to use the Oracle of Delphi (who must be a virgin) to tell him where it’s at.

Meanwhile, in a small village in the side of a cliff for some reason, is Theseus (played by Henry Cavill). Now the real Theseus is a demi-god son of Poseidon and was the founder of Athens. This Theseus is nothing like that. He is undesirable because he is a bastard son. However an old man has trained him to be an excellent warrior. The villagers are told to evacuate because King Hyperion is on his way and will kill everyone. The old man elects to stay behind, but in reality turns out to be the God Zeus in disguise. He has taken a liking to Theseus thinking that he can be the one to defeat King Hyperion if he so chooses.

The Gods have decided to not interfere with the affairs of man until if the Titans are released. They hope that the mortals will defeat Hyperion before that happens. This was the first problem. The Gods did whatever they hell they wanted and ALWAYS interfered with the affairs of men.

Theseus is taken captive after his mother is killed and teams up with several others, and meets the real Oracle of Delphi. She knows that he is the one that is supposed to defeat King Hyperion and get the Eprius Bow. They try to go to the army but the Oracle sees that Theseus has to lay his mother to rest. They make their way back to the village and has he is mother to rest in the city tombs, he finds the Eprius Bow buried in a rock.

King Hyperion sends a Minotaur look a like (just a big guy in a mask) that attacks Theseus just as he finds the bow. He quickly defeats the faux Minotaur and uses the bow to save his friends. This is one of THREE times in the movie that the bow that the whole movie is focusing on is actually used and the only time by the hero!

Theseus is sickened by a wound given by the Minotaur and the Oracle (named Phaedra) tends to him. She thinks that her visions are a curse and wants to be free from. Nevermind that these vision are their major tactical advantage right now. But they never think of that and instead have sex so that she loses the visions forever. (And becomes a lame plot point later) We are over halfway done with the movie but it just barely feels like we are getting to the main part of the story!

Theseus’ group is ambushed by King Hyperion’s men and Ares directly defends them by killing them. Zeus angrily comes down and them kills Ares for disobeying and helping the mortals. However the bow is taken from them and delivered to King Hyperion as well as the message that the Gods are helping Theseus. He is visibly shaken by it because it goes against his beliefs.

Theseus’ group makes it to Mount Tartarus before Hyperion, where it looks like there is a giant dam. (Either by Godly design or by humans.) They try to warn the men of the impending attack but they don’t believe him. They believe that the Gods aren’t real as well and dismiss the idea as myth, despite being in Mount Tartarus and in the temple where the Titans are at.

King Hyperion uses the bow the next morning to break through the walls of the fortress (second and second) and his forces storm the castle. King Hyperion uses the bow one more time to let the Titans loose. Here the Titans looks the size of regular men and all the same. They look like grey soldiers biting on wooden staffs that make them look like Ancient Greek Foosball players. They are let loose and the Gods come down to figt them. Now they should both be IMMORTAL, but they are some how killing each other and Zeus breaks the one thing that could kill them, the bow.

Thesus meanwhile is fighting Hyperion and kills him while having him look directly at his face as the last thing he would ever see. During all of this, the Gods are losing so badly that Zeus collapses the entire mountain on the Titans and Hyperion’s men. Theseus is transported to Mount Olympus to join the Gods. And everyone but the Oracle DIES.

Flashforward to several years later, and we see that the Oracle and Theseus had a son together, Acamas. He is being told the legend of his father by the same old man that turned out to be Zeus. Acamas is plagued by visions of his father and the Gods fighting all the Titans in the sky. (Not sure if this is because he’s still a virgin or not and if he needs to have sex to get rid of it.) But he is warned that a fight is coming and that he too will one day have to fight against evil.

This movie is a mockery of all myths and has no real point to the storyline. It looks pretty (and is very very bloody and violent) but it was done at the expense of the story, of which there is almost none.

If you really want to buy this terrible movie, you can here.

[amazon_link id=”B004LWZW8S” target=”_blank” container=”” container_class=”” ]Immortals [Blu-ray][/amazon_link] – [amazon_link id=”B004LWZW8S” target=”_blank” ]The Immortals[/amazon_link]

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